My friend has a drinking problem – how can I help?
Getting together with friends and sharing good times with food and a few drinks is one of life’s great pleasures.
Until things get messy.
*Melanie approached me recently, imploring for my advice on how to help a friend whose drinking was concerning her.
“She never knows when to stop and it always ends in a drama. Last time she picked a fight with one of our friends because she’d had one too many. I had to take her home and she passed out in the car, after she’d thrown up everywhere. It completely ruined everyone’s night. And she just carries on like nothing’s happened.’
How you can help
The first step in helping someone with an alcohol problem is talking to them about it. This is harder than it sounds because often, they can be embarrassed and defensive about their behaviour, or even in denial, like Melanie’s friend.
When you talk to them, listen to them and acknowledge how they feel, but then return to what your experience of the issue is.
It helps if you steer clear of using blaming language – “you always drink too much” – and replace it with your experience of the situation: “I notice that when you’ve had a few, this happens. It makes me feel worried for you.”
Express your feelings and how the impact of the person’s behaviour affects you. You could say something like: “I really care about you and want to share how worried I am. I see that you’re not as happy as you were and I notice that it’s impacting your life in these (give clear examples) ways. ”
Denial
One of the hallmarks of addiction is denial: where the person persists with the use of alcohol (or other drug) even in the face of awful consequences. This downplaying of negative side effects and lack of self-awareness seems like a stubborn refusal to acknowledge a problem, but is in fact a normal stage of addiction. Breaking through denial often requires professional help and plenty of persistent support from friends and family.
A firm but loving approach is important. Shaming the person with the problem is counterproductive as they’re usually feeling terrible about themselves anyway. Offering to assist them with practical solutions – such as taking them to a doctor, counsellor or support group – is positive and proactive. But don’t be surprised if you encounter a negative response, initially.
“I’ve told her she has to stop and now she won’t talk to me,” Melanie said. “Now I don’t know what to do.”
You can’t force someone to get well
No one likes to be pressured or bullied into anything and people with substance abuse issues are usually no different. You can express your concerns in a loving way with offers of support but you can’t expect them to respond immediately with giving up, getting well and living happily ever after. Recovery from addiction rarely works that way. In most cases, people first have to make a decision to get sober and ask for help.
In my years of experience as a substance abuse counsellor, people who try to get clean and sober for others can’t sustain the change because they’re not doing it for themselves. Coming to recovery with willingness helps build the strength required to address their addiction so they can work their way to sobriety.
Instead of pushing them hard, be prepared to support the person in the ways that you can comfortably offer without trying to control them. In a group of friends, this could look like arranging alcohol-free events, meeting for a walk or coffee instead of a wine or beer, and being the first person to pick up the phone to check in and chat. It could be refusing to partake in a drinking session or not talking to them when they’re intoxicated. Maybe you can offer to babysit children if they have recovery appointments to attend. You don’t have to be mean or dramatic (that really doesn’t work!) but loving and firm.
Neurological warfare
When someone is in a state of acute addiction their brain has been hijacked by chemicals that work hard to overcome any intentions of stopping or cutting down. It takes time, specialised support and often several attempts to break the cycle of addiction.
Need help with a drinking problem or drug problem?
Not sure? Thinkstraight can help. Call Simone on 027 444 5798 for a confidential chat.
*Name changed for privacy.